I was going to tweet about walking the dog in the rain, about the joy of being able to go out and enjoy the countryside at a time when pouring rain meant that most people would be staying indoors. I was going to say it’s not that I particularly like the rain, it’s more about the lack of people. Then one thought chased another as they do and it became evident that I would need more and more tweets to explain myself and then I would feel guilty about hogging people’s timelines and so the only solution was to write it as a blog post. This may well be an example of autistic over-thinking, another tangential example is my friend, undiagnosed but I have zero doubt that she is ‘one of us’, who went to great lengths to explain to me this week that she had not copied me by having her hair cut short, it was that it was getting in her way and so on, it had clearly been worrying her that I would somehow think badly of her for choosing to cut her hair shortly after I had decided finally achieved getting mine cut. I actually hadn’t even noticed that she’d had it cut! I digress.
So I was going to say I don’t like rain that much, thinking about it however, there are a lot of things I do like about the rain. Many of these are sensory in nature. The sound of the rain is soothing, I am not alone in this as the existence of many YouTube videos testifies. The pitter-patter (surely one of the loveliest onomatopoeic words) of rain on my hood, on rooves and so on isn’t so dissimilar to white noise. Rain also means that the sky is likely to be grey and overcast, qualities not generally appreciated by people but for me a welcome relief. I’ve been struggling increasingly with (or perhaps increasingly noticing) glare and high contrast light. The muted light of winter is much more suited to my visual processing – I am currently awaiting assessment for Irlens syndrome, this may be a factor here. Even the way my sodden clothes clung to my skin was pleasant in a way not dissimilar to my weighted blanket. I would like to invest in higher quality waterproof clothing but Money is an area of life I’m failing at impressively these days. The smell of rain on the scorched ground is also a pleasant one for me, we haven’t had any rain for weeks and this summer has been warmer than usual. I’ve been struggling a lot with the high temperatures. I’m bored with my own puns about summer putting the ‘melt’ in meltdown, umpteen meltdowns later it’s just not funny anymore. I’m actually looking into moving home to somewhere with a generally slightly cooler climate – The Move is something I’d like to write more about in future posts.
Thinking all these thoughts and others about the rain made me think of one of P’s favourite books. I did promise Kipper would be making an appearance in this post, partly because I think this blog would benefit from a few more pictures. Kipper’s Rainy Day by Mick Inkpen (what a fabulous name for a writer!) goes like this: “Kipper loves the rain because rain makes puddles. And puddles make… a splash!”
Let’s ignore the grammatical issues of starting a sentence with a conjunction… ok I can’t do that, let’s just state that this is clearly poor use of grammar but the book has other redeeming features like cute animals. The law of sod states that having criticised somebody’s grammar I will now make 53 grammatical errors which will be pointed out by other zealots. As a friend of mine is fond of saying (this may in fact be a quote from somewhere): the price of pedantry is constant vigilance! I digress again. The book is a lift-the-flap book and goes on to describe several animals who (allegedly) like the rain.
The story culminates with a cat who does not like the rain and a statement that the thing Kipper likes best about the rain is getting dry again. I have some issues with the idea of getting wet so you can enjoy getting dry, it seems rather like Allen Carr’s analogy of putting on too tight shoes just to have the relief of taking them off. My daughter however loves this book. I therefore know it by heart. She particularly loves the cat being sad about getting wet and then being happy again as Kipper dries him. I’d rather like to add a page to the book – “does anyone walking the dog like the rain?… This autistic does!”
I’ve not been having a great day. I’m in that awkward place where things aren’t bad enough to be labelled a ‘crisis’ in my head, things are just averagely bad. This would be an ideal time to draw on friends’ support but communication is also harder right now (as opposed to when things are Really Bad when communication is impossible – ha!) Yesterday, despite being very much in this not great mental place I managed to do some things which were hard. I went to a medical appointment in a new place with unknown healthcare professionals – always going to be stressful. I also took the dog for a walk on the beach, somewhere I usually love but has been out-of-bounds over the summer as there have just been too many people. I don’t cope well with the public. I was lucky yesterday, despite the weather being sunny there weren’t many people on the beach. This is what lead me to making the most of the rain today. There’s a real safety for me in rain, the more intense the rain the lower the probability of people being out in it. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with people, strangers, shouting at me apropos of things I can’t begin to fathom, I don’t understand why this happens to me so much. I have so much anxiety about going outside, even in my own garden. Another key factor in wanting to move is my need to live somewhere far less populated than where I am now. It varies with how well I’m doing but often I feel leaving the house is putting myself at risk, at unnecessary risk. I do however love being outside, particularly on the coast or in the countryside with the dog, he is good company. The fresh air and exercise are good for me physically and mentally. There’s also the responsibility of dog ownership, I am compelled by this duty to walk the dog at least once a day. I know many people don’t bother and the world will not end if I fail to walk him but I love him and walking him does me good – generally, so long as people aren’t unpredictably awful.
So I have achieved a small thing, I have ticked the boxes of walking the dog and getting some exercise today. This makes me feel a little less terrible. It doesn’t solve all the things which were upsetting me earlier today but I did at least take a break from them which is something. Dog walking can be good self-care for me. I even caught myself whistling as I walked along. I don’t walk with the typical gait of a person walking in the rain – head bent, slightly crouching, trying to escape every drop. I relish the safety of being able to go out and I hold my head up with a genuine (as opposed to when I am passing) confidence. I was whistling contentedly in the rain for a while, for today that is enough.
(Pic of the faithful hound while walking on holiday recently).